My Head Is Numb

So many little to-dos after the funeral, not that it's required of me. I think I take after mom in that way; need to send 'thank you' notes to all the folks who brought food, sent flowers, made calls, etc. etc. etc. Do I send a letter to her little brother, my uncle who'd estranged himself from my mom and aunt for over two decades? Yes, yes I think I will. And I have. Look into headstones. My brother and sister carried the moral weight and more all during the funeral planning process, so I've decided to take care of the headstone. It's all so sad and unbelievable. She was supposed to get very old, fade and die and tell us kids who should get what;not necessarily in that order. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. I was supposed to hold her hand and kiss her before she left, but that didn't happen either. Life isn't fair and apparently, neither is God, but we knew that already, didn't we?

The day after she died my brother found letters she'd written at some point to each of the three kids, my dad and each of the three grandchildren. That was my mother, getting the last word in. I haven't read mine and I'm not sure when I will. Tom's insisting I go away with him to Provincetown for a few days later this week so maybe I'll read it there, on the beach, like a scene from one of those Lifetime movies. Only I know my mother, the letter will not be a lite-hearted one.

My niece's letter explained how much mom loved her, then turned into a 'you're going to hell if you don't dedicate your life to the Lord' manifesto. My little brother's stated mom's pride in and love for him. My sister and I know better, we'll not get off as easily. RJ's will be similar to that of my niece, perhaps slightly more preachy. Mine however will express love, but fire and brimstone unless I take a wife and make lots and lots of babies, or at minimal declare celibacy and swear-off gay pride. Either way, I'm not looking forward to reading it even though masochistic curiosity will eventually win.

Right now I need coffee and a few loads of laundry done. Boston is cold and my tolerance for living here is becoming thin. Why didn't I take that job in San Diego when they offered it to me. I have one-more relocation in me before I decide to settle down and wait for middle age. Where should I go if not here? Anybody have a beach house you'd like to donate?

Posted by JD on January 15, 2008 3:00 PM