Hi Mommy, I Miss You

I've been SO sick the last week so maybe that's why my first mother's day without my mom didn't seem all that more difficult or sad than the last four months since she went away. Still, I've been thinking of her a little extra today, it comes in waves that wash over me and I try my best not to think about her or her last words to me. My sister and brother no doubt have had their sad thoughts today as well, but they have spouses and families at their side, God bless 'em, so I think that helps numb it a little bit. I keep debating whether or not I should call my dad. I haven't talked to him since last Sunday and it isn't like I WANT to call him. It hurts too much, but maybe I will. When I think of my mom, I'll always think of lavender, but for no particular reason. It was my grandmother's favorite color and scent, my mom liked it too but she never made a big fuss over it. Still, anything somewhat purpley makes me think of her. Lavender and yellow roses, her favorite. I'll always think of her when I see Bells of Ireland, the green fluted flowers often used to accentuate flower arrangements. She'd grown fond of Hibiscus the last few years.

My mother was not supposed to die and we still have absolutely no idea how or why, really we don't. And we're all too battled weary to pick the fight up and begin badgering and threatening law suits against the coroner until we know for sure. Some days I'm more bitter and angry than others and if you tell me "knowing more won't bring her back or make you feel better", well, you can kiss my ass. I don't suggest you say that to my face either. Today's a bitter day, does it show? Happy Mother's Day.

Posted by JD on May 11, 2008 7:06 PM